So that’s it. That’s maternity leave over. That’s a whole year done. Finished. I’m going back to work tomorrow. My baby boy, just three weeks away from his first birthday and I can’t believe how fast its gone. With my eldest, I had to return when he was nine months old and with my second again, I was able to take the year, but, I remember feeling ready. Ready for routine. Ready for other adult conversation that did not revolve around feeding, cbeebies, and poo not to mention another purpose for me other than mother, cook and cleaner. But not this time. Not yet.

There is a small part of me looking forward to those things too, but I definitely remember feeling like I wanted that more before than I do this time. I don’t know if it’s because of COVID or because I know this time that it’s my last time. My last baby. The last time I will ever have that long away from work again until I retire. The last time I will ever get a whole summer break off with the children. The last time I will ever have that much time with my children. I feel sad.

I feel that lockdowns have robbed me of being able to take him to more places and experience more things. But, equally, that lockdown’s have provided me with more time with the other two, even if I did have to home school them. But I also feel lucky and grateful for being able to have had the opportunity. The opportunity to spend that much time off and enjoy the time with them. And so lucky to know, in those moments, that there wouldn’t be future opportunities like this.

There have been so many moments where it has really stung to know we won’t do that again. Those tiny baby cuddles. The tiny hands gripping your finger. The tiny sneezes. The windy smiles. Even breastfeeding I didn’t want to give up. Clearing out the tiny baby stuff, when you sort through the clothes they have grown out of. Giving away the Moses basket was definitely one of those really sad moments and it caught me quite off guard as I hadn’t realised just how sad I would feel. But, looking back now, back to those moments I found myself tearing up, I’m now happy I knew that. It made me hang on just that little bit longer. Appreciate it all a little bit more. Be in the moment, take it all in and just watch them all and not take so much for granted.

I haven’t rushed to get to milestones. I haven’t rushed around to fit things in. I haven’t rushed out to baby groups. I’ve just let time take me on its journey and it’s just been calmer, more relaxed and so much fun. Don’t get me wrong, there has still been plenty of moments when sleep deprivation has been a killer, when the other two won’t stop fighting and when home schooling nearly made me move out but, for the most part, this really has been one of the best years of my life.

I am looking forward to adult conversation, routine and having money again, let’s be honest, and whilst I’m going to miss the time I’ve had, so much, I am excited as to what this next chapter will bring us. How the baby will grow and learn at nursery and see his bond with his Grandparents grow as he spends more time with them. How much the other two will also grow and become more independent and learn how to be more helpful around the house (fingers crossed). And how I will continue learning and growing as a professional working mother.

There are so many things I am worried and fearful about going back to work full time, as to how it will all work but, to anyone else who may be going through something similar, it does. It will. It has to. This is my third time. It doesn’t get any easier. That’s a lie. But it does work itself out. Plans fall into place and before you know it, you’re already in a routine you had no idea about and, it’s working. So, I shall keep on reminding myself that over these next few, bumpy weeks, as I’m sure they will be to start, but, I will also remind myself of how lucky, grateful and appreciative I am to have had that year, and that year of knowing it was my last. It made it pretty special.

And finally, to my beautiful, noisy, little family, you make me so proud. I love you all very much but please bear with me for the foreseeable x