Life at 40 - Mumma Spoonie

First of all, hi!

So, I haven’t written or posted anything in a while. Lots of factors really, work, family, new diagnosis and, just like everyone else, busy. I logged on to my dashboard recently and can see all of my draft blogs just sitting there, waiting to be edited, some from two years ago. I have changed jobs now so am starting to get some more of my own time back in the evenings, hopefully this means I will be able to start writing and posting again more often.

So, I turned 40 this year and whilst in the bath, as you do, started to reflect back over my life and all its achievements and regrets, I think most of us probably do that around our birthdays. Anyway, it got me thinking of all the things I would tell my younger self now if I could, so I wrote them all down then, forgot all about it like you do.

Several months later, going through my office drawers and having a bit of a clear out, I found the little book I wrote them down in. Reading through it made me chuckle a little so, I thought I would share them with you for my first post in ages. A few little pearls of wisdom I have learnt over the years for you to take on board, reflect over your own life, if nothing else, it might make you smile or give you a bit of a giggle.

Here we go….

You can’t change people. No matter how hard we try. Embrace who they are and if you can’t do that, then maybe consider whether you want them in your life.
Having more things won’t make you feel more complete. Ask yourself why you need those things, if they will make you happy and who are you doing/getting it for.
Let go of things that don’t offer fulfilment. If it doesn’t make you happy, you don’t need it.
Stop clinging to toxic relationships. Any relationship. If it is effort, if it is causing you stress, if it makes you feel tired then you don’t that relationship.
Realising busy is not a good thing, rest is everything.
Organising is well planned hoarding – organising things into lots of little boxes may be tidy but you still need to care for and think of those things, the simplest way to organise is to get rid. I go by the rule of 12. If it hasn’t been out of its box in 12 months, I don’t need it. If it doesn’t spark you joy, if it doesn’t serve a purpose and if it doesn’t bring you fond memories you need, then you don’t need it. Free your space, it helps to free your mind.
Live in the moment – stop chasing success. Be successful in what you are doing now. Chasing accomplishment is chasing something that may never be, ultimately making you feel you have failed at something or that you are inadequate. Take the small wins, they will lead you to the bigger ones naturally. We are constantly fed this notion of putting aside time to do lots of little things so you can achieve that one big thing and once you have, move on to the next big thing you want to achieve. If you can achieve a little thing this week, be proud of that. We are all just finding our way, navigating jobs, children, family, illness, life. If we can’t celebrate what we are doing now, here, in this moment, what even is the point. Take the small wins, they are worth a lot more than that one big one.
Changing your life won’t change your life – how often are we told to change a few habits it will change your life. No it won’t. It may do for a while, but, ultimately, you will just go back to doing them again. It’s the moment we recognise the source of the problem, why it is that something needs to change. Awareness and understanding will change habits for once you have seen the problem in its entirety, you will have no choice but to change.
Stop parenting your children, instead, learn from them. By which I do not mean stop teaching them right from wrong, of course the fundamental basics are required, I am not saying neglect your children, but to see the world through their eyes, listening to them. Kapil Gupta says ‘’Adults are fools. Children are wise. For children everything is new. The adult hasn’t seen a new thing in years’’. Seeing the wonder in a child’s eyes, listening to the questions they ask abut the world is a beautiful thing. Embrace that. Let us not hurry our children to ‘grow up’. Lets let them be children and be children with them.
Learn to say no – I am still learning this, but it is the most freeing word you can say. So many false obligations, that feeling of being unable to say no. What if I let them down? What if I upset them? What if they think less of me? What if they do? It only says more about them then you. We can’t do everything all the time. If it isn’t hurting anyone and it’s not being unkind to do so, then be kind to yourself and say no.
Your opinion doesn’t matter, neither does mine, neither does theirs. What matters is the truth. So only speak the truth. Speak the facts and if you don’t know what they are, go and find out, read something, learn something but do this with kindness and ask yourself; does it need to be said? Truth will always be truth. If it will hurt someone to say it, ask yourself does it need saying? Chances are, if it is truth, that person already knows.
Trust yourself
Communicate – no one can read your mind so don’t expect them to.
Advocate for yourself – no one will do it for you.
Your voice is powerful – use it to help others.
DIETS DO NOT WORK – I’ve done them all they don’t work. Everyone is different, following the latest trend or advice wont hep you. You need to find what works for you. Most important be happy with who you are now. A positive mindset is much healthier then fitting into a pair of jeans you haven’t managed to since 2008. Bodies change over time, hormones change, growth and metabolism slow down its life it’s all part of the aging process. You can do things to help you feel and become healthier but it may not change how you look. So do what makes you feel good. And definitely don’t listen to the advice of some 20 something year old telling you what the latest diet is, guarantee they will be sat where you are now in 10-15yrs time wondering why they can’t fit into their 10 year old jeans too. (and yes I realise 2008 was more then 10 years ago but it still really feels like it was last year ok?)
No one can make you feel a certain way without your permission. Imagine a shield around you for these people. Let their words and mood bounce right back off, you don’t need to harbour their shit, they can have that back.
You’re never too late or too old to do what you want. We grow, we evolve so do our wants and needs. If its not hurting anyone, go do what makes you happy.
Always be curious and never stop learning.
Stay open to feedback. We are not perfect. We will make mistakes. No matter how old we are and its ok to do so. We are human.
Not every text, DM, email requires a response. Another hard one for me. Like with saying no, I am still learning, but it is as freeing. Give it a try.
Move your body. In any way, for as little or as long as you want. All movement is good movement, and it does make you feel good.
It’s okay to change your mind.
Have fun.
Be patient – something I will always need to work on.
Marry your best friend.
Surround yourself with people who will make you better. These should not always be like minded people. What would we talk about if we had the same views, opinions, interests. Difference is good. Discussion, being challenged, healthy debate are all good things if done with kindness. How will we learn from people like ourselves? Surround yourself with good people from all walks of life and it will add to the amazing person you already are.
Be open minded always.
Laugh – all the time.
Take risks. Push yourself – but stay safe.
Say sorry. You will make mistakes. You will make the wrong judgement. Its life. We are all humans. We are all learning, all the time and, though it pains me to say it, I am not always right. It’s absolutely ok to make mistakes and to get things wrong sometimes. But you need to own that so say sorry.
Farts are funny.
Ask for help. Much harder than it sounds, I know, but it’s there, so ask.
Accepting not everyone you meet will like you. We are all hugely different from each other its not possible to like every single person we meet and that’s ok.
Always say goodbye and express your love to those you are saying goodbye to when leaving – you never know what’s around the corner.
Travel. It doesn’t have to be the world but spending time away from where you live or grew up is good for you. Experiencing new sights, sounds, tastes, people, culture, makes us all grow.
Spend time with those you love.
Forgive always. Don’t harbour a grudge, it doesn’t change anything. Even if they have hurt you or are completely in the wrong and will never back down. Being angry or upset is exhausting and it gives you more wrinkles. Forgive them, let it go, it will give you relief.
Live in the moment today. Don’t pause to take that picture you think you need for Instagram. You don’t. No one will miss it if its not there. Trust me when I say this, no one actually cares. Enjoy that moment. Its yours.
Slow down. Breathe. Take it all in. Every, single second. That is living. That is what it is all about.

So, there we have it. 40 things I have learnt during my 40 years around the sun. I am still learning, we are all still learning, all the time and this is not meant to be any kind of massive message you should all be following, nor do I propose to know everything or more then anyone else, these are things I have felt myself and wrote them down to share with all of you. I hope some can relate but the main thing we all need to be, is happy, so, if nothing else, please take that from me and feel free to share any others. Here’s to what else I will learn over the next 40 years.

We threw an 80s/90s themed birthday party for my 40^th so here is a photo of me with fully crimped hair, in a pink sparkly dress, absolutely loving life. You’re welcome xxx