Just Breathe

A couple of months back, I met up with a friend. I wrote this that same evening but hadn’t gotten round to editing it until now. For anyone suffering with anxiety? You may be able to relate.  

I met up with a friend today. First time since the first lockdown I have seen someone other than my family and parents. We planned our little get together with both our babies last week and agreed to meet at a national park midway between where we both live. The evening before, I thought I’d better check we’re still on so sent her a message. The reply came back straight away full of apologies for forgetting but furniture was being delivered and she had to wait in for it. It was all fine and we agreed for the following week instead. I decided to complete the chores I had been putting off. At just after 8am this morning I received a message from my friend to say her delivery slot was later in the day and could meet me this morning.  I instantly replied, ‘yep, fab, let you know when I’m leaving’. Then I finished getting the boys ready for school and off we went.  

During the walk back, I started a mental checklist of all the things I needed to do in order to get ready to leave the house to meet my friend. Bottle, milk, food, spoons, water (baby-led weaning has started), nappies, wipes, nappy bags, bibs, muslins, toys, comforter. You forget how much crap a baby needs when you go out! You have to plan for every eventuality. I had to change the baby, dress him in appropriate clothes for going outside, then realising I needed to dress myself in actually going out clothes and not what I had just chucked on for the school run. I had to do my hair, my face. Then I realised I had thirty minutes in which to do all this and how this was the first time I would be going out on my own with the baby that wasn’t ten minutes away for a health appointment.  

I could feel the anxiety rising within me. My heartbeat getting faster. I reminded myself to take a breath which I did. The sun was shining. I was coming down the hill and could see the mountains. The sky was bright blue. Not a single cloud. It was absolutely stunning. My heart rate slowed and I said to myself just one thing at a time. I will start with the baby’s bag then get ready then change and dress the baby and leave. If it took longer than thirty minutes then it took longer, my friend is a mum of an 18-month-old, she’ll understand. I managed it all in 34mins.  I was proud of myself. It wasn’t too long ago I would have let that anxiety take hold of me and either would have made an excuse not to go or, rushed around forgotten something and in defensive mode for my anxiety, being disorganised, or late, I would have been in a bad mood, not very communicative. Probably would have come across as being a bit arsey. I would have made my excuse and left after about 20 minutes. I would have hated the whole experience and it would put me off trying again for a while.  

Anxiety can take hold of you without warning and very quickly. It rises within you like when you pour a glass of fizzy pop really quickly and it fizzes up and overflows. One of the best techniques I was ever given for how to manage my anxiety was to just breathe. As soon as you feel your heart rate start to rise or the panic inside you start to build, just take a breath. Then take another. Then another, until your heart rate starts to slow or that panic starts to ebb, your mind starts to slow. It’s taken me a long time to be able to recognise what that feeling is. That panic, the mind racing as it goes into fight or flight mode. It’s taken about three years and it still catches me sometimes, even now. I’m sure many people have many other ways of managing their anxiety and you have to do what works for you. For me, it’s that breath. So, for anyone finding themselves in a situation that makes you feel this way or, if you are feeling overwhelmed for any reason, just breathe and try not to allow yourself to feel like you shouldn’t be feeling this. I spent so long feeling stupid. Feeling embarrassed for being so worried about things or feeling out of control of things. There is nothing wrong with how you feel. Your feelings are justified and its okay if today you can’t do it because you will be able to tomorrow. So just keep breathing. You’ll get there.  And, as for meeting up with my friend? It was really rather lovely.

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